The Very Spirit of Vexation
by always krissy
Summary: Spike overhears Buffy and Willow talking, meanwhile he's having internal issues of his own. [Spike/Buffy, 1/1, PG, set during 7th season]


TITLE: The Very Spirit of Vexation  
AUTHOR: always krissy  
DISCLAIMER: Buffy is not owned by me; you think I'd actually be _that_ cool? What planet are YOU from?  
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This is the first time I have ever written this pairing; I'm kinda nervous over it. ^_^ We'll see if I write any more of this pairing in the future; I'd love to, but... Writing Spike is hard work. :D  
THANKS: Thanks to Jacky for beta'ing for me. Heart you. :D  
SPOILERS: Slight spoilers for current _Buffy_ and _Angel_; set during 7th season  
PAIRING: Spike/Buffy  
RATING: PG  
He was always there.  
  
Taunting him in his dreams, in his waking hours, everywhere. It was always a constant reminder -- _("This is who you were, and can never be again.")  
  
("This is who you were, and want to be again, but never can be...")_  
  
He'd felt the bile rise in his throat, the first time he realized what he did. After that, he felt like he couldn't even breathe properly, even though he couldn't breathe to begin with. It was just another reminder to him of what he'd done. Now, so long ago, it didn't really matter; it was all connected. It always would be.  
  
It was still there, taunting him, as he crept out of the basement _("How low you've become.")_, and to the upstairs. He paused outside the kitchen, listening to the sound of Buffy weeping with Willow. He wasn't really sure what she was cryin' over, but it didn't really matter. She never confided in him anymore. Not in a long time, before he... _("Changed for the worse.")_  
  
"It'll be alright," Willow was saying, soothingly, "He'll be okay; they _both_ will be."  
  
"Both?" Buffy choked out, "I'm only worried about Angel..."  
  
Angel? What was wrong with Angel? But he didn't have to know; part of him could feel it. Angelus.  
  
_("Don't you wish you could be like that, too? Killing to be your world again? To be_ free?")  
  
"We aren't stupid," Willow chided gently, "we know you care about Spike still."  
  
"But I don't..."  
  
"You do. Or you wouldn't keep helping him, protecting him, loving him."  
  
He could feel his throat tighten, his ears straining to hear every last detail. She cared...? _Really cared?  
  
Loved him, even?  
  
("You don't need her; she's shown she doesn't need you. Remember everything that's happened? To be with her, you can't be free again. Free to kill, free to_ live.")  
  
He did remember everything. To every last detail. How she tasted, smelled, felt. She was burned into him like a cross, leaving smoking trails of pain, fading with time, but _always_ there. Always.  
  
"I do... Will, you know what it's like to be scared to be with someone. There are so many reasons why I should stay away from him, but so many reasons I should stay with him. All I ever wanted was a normal life, and I've long since given hope on that, but to be with a _vampire_ again? Seriously? I just... I just don't know _how_ I feel about him."  
  
"When I met Tara, it was a whole new world. I never wanted to be with a girl, it didn't seem normal to me. Not with Oz, Xander, and even Giles... Crushes. All on guys. But with Tara, it was different. I forgot she was a girl, well, uh, not really, but it soon didn't become important. I loved Tara for _Tara_. Just like you'd loved Angel for being _Angel_, not a vampire. After everything settled, I vowed to myself I wouldn't ever like another girl. It would ruin the memory of Tara being the first, but with Kennedy..." Willow's voice turned strained, "But I realized I wasn't. I like Kennedy for _Kennedy_. Yes, Tara was my first in just about... _everything_, but that doesn't make it any less wrong. Just like you love Spike for _Spike_."  
  
Buffy sighed, "Yeah, I guess... but it's different for you."  
  
"It always will be; _No one_ will share the same problem, except maybe Cordy, who is dating Angel, or was... I get so confused with their chaos," Willow complained.  
  
He could almost imagine the scrunched up expression she was making. No matter how many worlds she tried to destroy, she'd always be Willow. Everyone who'd met her, no matter when, knew that. It just made sense.  
  
"Maybe I should go talk to him. He..."  
  
"Deserves to know. Even if you don't pursue it _right now_."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
A stretch of endless silence.  
  
"So. Are you? You aren't moving your cute little behind."  
  
"I don't...know."  
  
"Do it, Buffy. Just tell him everything. He'll love you all the more for it."  
  
He didn't realize she moved to the door, until they were eye-to-eye, both startled at seeing one another. She'd been crying, he noticed. Well, _of course_, he chided himself. He'd just heard her sob.  
  
"Uh, hi, Spike," she whispered, with bright wide-eyes, "Were you, uh, here for long?"  
  
"Long enough," he whispered back. He looked at her, words failing him. He wanted to ask if it was _true_. Did she care...?  
  
"Oh," she said, "well."  
  
"Well," he echoed, his voice hitching with emotion.  
  
She didn't say anything, not even a rushed mumble escaped her lips. He wanted to hear it; a promise, a future vow, an apology for not knowing sooner, anything. Instead, she just gave him a small smile and pushed past him. As she left, he heard a crushed, _"I can't. I'm sorry."_  
  
_I can't...I can't...I can't..._  
  
The words chorused in his head, and a mocking voice echoed the sentiment.  
  
_("You can't love someone who can't admit it to herself.")_


End file.
